Chapter 16

"You know when I said I knew little about love?  Well, that wasn't true.  I know alot about love.  I've seen it.  I've seen centuries and centuries of it.  And it was the only thing that made watching your world bearable.  All those wars.  Pain and lies.  Hate.  Made me want to turn away and never look down again.  But to see the way that mankind loves.  I mean, you could search the furthest reaches of the universe and never find anything more beautiful.  So, yes, I know that love is unconditional.  But I also know it can be unpredictable, unexpected, uncontrollable, unbearable and, well, strangely easy to mistake for loathing.  And, what I'm trying to say, Tristan, is I think I love you.  My heart, it feels like my chest can barely contain it.  Like it doesn't belong to me anymore, it belongs to you.  And if you wanted it, I'd wish for nothing in exchange.  No gifts, no goods, no demostrations of devotion.  Nothing but knowing you love me, too.  Just you heart in exchange for mine."


-STARDUST




Ah love. Tis a subject I have (not surprisingly) meditated on a lot. And it seems like the more I meditate on it, the more complicated it becomes to wrap my mind around, much less describe accurately. However, one of the things that I am becoming increasingly aware of is that it is grossly mistaken for lust. True love is selfless but I feel like what we see in movies and read about in contemporary novels is much of the time anything but selfless. I even find in my own life, that I struggle with selfish desires. For years I've thought about what I want in a husband. What I desire to get out of him instead of what I want to give. I've said things like, "I hope he can dance..." or "I would love it if he was into Shakespeare..." I watch romantic flicks and think, "I want a guy like that, I want to be loved like that, I want someone to give themselves like that for me..." Now I'm not saying love is not to be enjoyed. It is! But love is not only about you. It's not only about me. It's not a mere feeling in the pit of our stomach, or the electricity of a glance, a touch, or a whisper. Love, true love, is a give an take. It's an exchanging of thought--I stop thinking of myself to think of the other person, and they do the same for me. I once told a friend in regards to finding a husband, "Don't look for the perfect guy, or the guy for you, look for the guy that makes you forget about yourself because you're too busy thinking about fulfilling him." Afterwards I thought, "Man, I need to listen to my own advice!"  Love is humble and patient and polite and selfless, forgiving, generous, truthful, trusting, hopeful and strong. Now I've been giving examples of romantic love, but this list is true for any relationship. True love for parents, children, siblings, and friends fits these adjectives as well. And most importantly, they apply to God. Without understanding what true love is, I believe that it is impossible to understand Him. But that is a tangent that holds 20+ pages, so I will hold off. Suffice to say how amazing would it be if we loved passionately and selflessly...




"I will have poetry in my life. And adventure. And love. Love above all. No... not the artful postures of love, not playful and poetical games of love for the amusement of an evening, but love that... over-throws life. Unbiddable, ungovernable - like a riot in the heart, and nothing to be done, come ruin or rapture. Love - like there has never been in a play."

-Shakespeare In Love

Chapter 21

As I begin to type this I am laughing internally at myself because I'm only on the "third" chapter of this story and yet I'm already going to repeat myself:  "I love how God repeats lessons if we don't soak them in the first time." Back a few years ago I was part of a ministry called Primary Focus/Living Proof. That year of my life alone could fill a book, but right now I'm just going to focus on one week. One day  of one week to be exact. I don't even remember the reason it all began anymore, but out of some inspiration or another I decided to take a week to be silent. No talking unless to answer someone or in productions. The last day of my self-imposed muteness, I took some time to reflect on what I had discovered. The biggest revelation was how selfish talking allows us to be. When I fasted from it, I couldn't put my two cents in when my team discussed where they wanted to eat, or what they wanted to do with the three free hours we had. If someone's comment sparked a witty remark in my mind, I couldn't say it. And why did I have the desire to say it anyway? So that people could see me as smart, or quick, or funny.  I discovered that most of the things I would have naturally said were to bring focus to self. I want to explain something, because I feel smart for having that knowledge. I have a funny story I want to share because I want to be seen as entertaining. I want to speak against this theory or idea because I think I'm right and I want people to know it. How often are the things that come out of our mouths used to puff up self? (Now rarely do I ever consciously realize my true motivations, but I can't deny them when I sit down to meditate on why I say the things I do.) Recently I was reminded yet again of these truths. Oh how deep self runs, with long twisting roots. Perhaps this is why we are cautioned to be quick to listen and slow to speech. What could I learn about those around me if I wasn't focused on what I was saying, or going to say, and I shut up and listened? How much deeper could my empathy, and love, and care for others go if I gave over my proverbial "microphone." And maybe now is the time to start just that. So what were you saying?