Chapter 19

Some of you know, some of you may not know, but my sophomore year of college I was unofficially diagnosed with depression. (I think I was probably struggling with it long before then.) My appetite changed. I slept all the time. (If I wasn't in class or doing homework, I was sleeping.) I stopped caring about anything outside of my own mental (and sometimes physical) pain. And I hated myself for it. How I was released from depression is a story for another time. This chapter is about why I struggled with it in the first place. While I was dealing with it, I thought it was because I had done something to displease God and he was smiting me. So at first I dug though my life trying to find out what I had done. Then I began to yell at God because, even if I did do something, I felt like this was overkill. After being released from it, I researched it... a lot. And I came to the conclusion that depression--clinical depression-- is a problem physically with how much chemicals your body is producing, and so I began to look at myself as a victim of circumstance. This gave way to fears of it's return and questioning of why God allowed it.

Now the experience wasn't all bad--I was able to relate with others going through depression and was able to encourage and support them. The experience also kicked me off of my high "Christian" horse. I was very pretentiously pious and looked down upon people who struggled with things that I thought should be easy to avoid. Depression brought with it all kinds of temptations I had never experienced. However, it also caused me to doubt God in many ways. Since the experience I have struggled (for the most part on my own, too scared to tell anyone else about my struggles) with God's goodness, grace, mercy, compassion, and love. I was ashamed of my struggles, because I believed that I was wrong to doubt these things. I was thankful that God had helped me out of depression. And I have rejoiced many times for the happiness, and joy He has brought back into my life. But I don't think I was ever thankful for going through depression... until this morning.

I was reading The Way of the Cross and Roy Hession was talking about "walking in the light" and what that truly meant. He painted a picture of us being able to stop hiding the things we are ashamed of, but bring it all into the light with God and also with each other. It scares us because we don't want to be judged, or condemned, or seen as wrong. But how freeing it would be if we could share our failures openly, ask for forgiveness, and instead of judging one another, be able to support one another and keep each other accountable? Then we could truly be ourselves without any fear of discovery, because we are already wholly known and accepted. So I was thinking about how I would react if people knew my "deep dark secrets" and if someone, out of love, pointed out an area in my life that was self-serving. How would I react? And I realized that, while it wouldn't feel good, and I may try to make excuses, I would ultimately want to change that part of my life... and I'm not sure I would have been that way pre-depression. Back then I thought I had all the answers and if someone had challenged how I was living my life, I probably would have been much more apt to defend myself. Depression broke me, and now I think that maybe part of that was so I could see my shortcomings and failures and be able to listen to correction. So maybe part of the reason I went through depression was to get me to a place where God could draw me closer to Himself. Where I could see my own sin and ask for forgiveness and get it out of the way so it doesn't stand between us anymore. And when that though hit me, I was filled with an overwhelming thankfulness for depression and a realization that I don't have to doubt God's goodness or love or mercy or caring--because it was out of those things that he brought hardship on me. Like a good parent disciplines a child out of love, so our God disciplines, not out of anger, but out of love.