My Story

Hey, It's been a while! I was thinking about Testimonies (actually a long story that I will for now, skip) and realized, I don't think I've ever shared my testimony on this blog. So, here it goes!

I was born in Nairobi Kenya where my parents were missionaries. I lived there for five years and honestly don’t remember a time when on some level I didn’t know who Jesus was. By the time I was five I understood two things: Jesus loved me, and he wanted to “live inside my heart.” Now this second part made little sense to me—my heart was a small place! But I remember thinking, if that’s what he really wants then I wanted to give it to him, because I wanted to make him happy. Faith of a child. Sometimes I wish my mind still worked that way. “Jesus, I don’t get why you want what you’re asking of me, but if that’s what you want then that’s what I’ll do—I just want to make you happy!”

As I grew older, I learned what it truly meant to have Jesus “live in my heart.” I learned more of who he was and is, and what he expects of me. My first major test of faith came when I was sixteen. For the first time in my life I considered the possibility that maybe God (and by extension Jesus) didn’t exist. After all, you can’t see God (and I can already hear some of you rearing up to argue with me, but for my sixteen-year-old self, I had never seen Him.) What if the whole thing had just been one giant delusion! The struggle lasted somewhere around four months and it was agonizing. My whole world felt as if it were crumbling. Ironically, a few months prior to this spiritual crisis, I had accepted a summer counselor position at a Christian camp. I was too scared to tell anyone about my struggle—I was the pastor’s kid after all!—so when summer came, I packed my bags and drove to camp. The whole week of training I was at war with myself. I wasn’t sure if I believed any of this—how was I supposed to mentor kids? On the final day, I decided I really needed to go talk to the camp directors, explain everything, and quit. Naturally, this was the day God stepped in. I no longer recall what he did to convince me he was real, but I know it was during a camp fire service the staff were having.  At the end we sang, “Amazing Grace,” and for the first time that song had deep personal meaning: Amazing Grace how sweet the sound that saved a wretch like me. I once was lost (I had been lost for the past four months!) but now I’m found, was blind (yep that too,) but now I see. I guess you could say that became God’s and my song.

My second major faith trial came in College. Depression. I’ve discovered over the years that this word is somewhat overused and, for those of you who have never truly experience it, vague. Allow me a moment to flesh out what I mean. In a matter of months my eating and sleeping habits drastically changed—I slept all the time. If I wasn’t in class, I was sleeping. My days became: get up, go to class, come back, sleep. Get up, go to class, come back, sleep. Get up, eat, sleep. Ad nauseam. I also found it hard to find food that was appealing. I would often go through three or four courses in the Cafeteria trying to find something I could stomach. Emotionally, I started by feeling like I had sunk into a dark, dank pit. (My artwork during that time became extremely macabre.) I felt dark, if that makes any sense. I remember standing in the shower one day scrubbing my skin in an effort to scrub off the feeling. And speaking of showers: they were my refuge. I could go and take an hour-long shower and sob my eyes out, and no one could hear me. Eventually these tsunamic waves of sadness subsided and left me with… nothing. I became a husk. I didn’t feel at all. No pain, no happiness, no empathy, or anger, or fear. Just nothing. At first this was the greatest relief! But as weeks turned into months, I began to long for the pain I had once felt—just to feel something. During all this I ran the gambit of reactions towards God. At first, I figured I must have done something wrong to “bring this upon myself.” I begged God to just reveal what it was, so I could repent and move on. Then desperation turned to anger. I railed against God for His unjustness. How could he punish me and not give me a chance to right whatever wrong I had done? Anger turned briefly to hate which what then snuffed out by “the nothing.” In the end, I longed for death to come and end me.  (Just a side note to those of you who have never experienced anything like this: While I was dealing with all of this, I was screaming on the inside for help, but the words never made it past my throat. People would ask if I was okay and my head would be screaming NO! but my mouth would say, “I’m just tired.” When this all finally came out, all my friends were utterly shocked. Depression is a silent killer. And it takes someone with great perception or someone whose been there before and knows how to spot it to intervene and help. Also, if someone does manage to muster up the strength to admit they have a problem—listen to them and make sure they get help! You have NO idea how hard it was for them to say something.) Towards the end of that year, a Christian Camp reached out to me and asked if I would come back that summer and work for them. My first answer was no. I knew enough to know I was in no condition to lead anyone. But they asked again. And again. And again. Each time I would say no, and each time they came back with more fervor. In the end, they were begging, and because I didn’t have enough strength to fight about anything, I finally agreed. I remember thinking that this was the worst idea in the world. But the day for staff training arrived and I packed up my car and left for camp. (sound familiar?) When I got there, something miraculous happened. This may sound crazy, but it was as if there was an invisible barrier and as I drove through the gates my depression was stripped off me. I literally felt it leave—as if something grabbed it by the scruff of it’s neck and pealed it off… and it never came back.  “Through many dangers, toils, and snares, I have already come. His grace has brought me safe thus far, and grace will lead me home.”

My third, and latest trial, began when I was around 25 years old. This time, I came face to face with my own depravity. Up to this point, I had viewed myself as a pretty good person. I mean, I tried to follow God right? I did a lot of the “right stuff” and stayed away from most of the “wrong stuff.” But that year, God turned on the lights and held up a mirror. For the first time I saw just how deep my selfishness ran. I saw how I coveted my time, my stuff; and how mad I got when one of them was threatened, or even touched. I saw all the idols that I was enslaved to. Entertainment. Food. Attention. Even climate control! I had built thick, retracting walls around my heart and if anyone tried any kind of constructive criticism those puppers would come flying up. (I think it was probably a side effect left over from my days with depression, but anything that threatened my peace, anything that may possibly hurt me was thrust away with bestial avidity—including scripture. I had begun to avoid the parts that spoke of sacrifice. The lines that told me I would have trouble, and be hated by some, and suffer.) I saw all this in me and more. And two things happened. I became disgusted with myself yet terrified at the prospect of changing. Like Gollumn in Lord of the Rings, I hated and loved myself. Thank God, for God. He loves us through our self-loathing, yet He convicts us through our self-love. It has taken years, but what I am learning is this: Selfishness never leads to true happiness. Selfishness pushes others away till all you are left with is “self.” And all the entertainment, all the money, all the success in the world cannot slake your thirst for love. You cannot love yourself enough to fill that hole. But if you follow God, if you give up your rights and serve Him and those around you, yes you will get hurt, you will be taken advantage of, you will miss out on things, you will give away what you wish you could keep; but in the end, you will find peace, joy, and love. And you will be filled in a way that you could never fill yourself.

So, my friends, as Paul encouraged the Christians at Philippi: Continue to work out your salvation with fear and trembling. And as Lisa Chan once explained: “Not work for your salvation—that is a gift from God—but work out your own salvation… for ‘it is God who works in you, both to will and to work for his good pleasure.” Never give up on this, because the Kingdom of Heaven is like a pearl of great value: It’s work giving up everything for! 

Say What You Need To Say

So this post was conceived from a comment I heard about a week ago during a sermon on End Times. We were listening to all of these false predictions and vetting scripture from speciulation, and my dad made the comment, "the thing that really frustrates me about [Christian] end time fanatics is that if you truly believed the end was coming, why are you not out there telling everyone you know about Jesus?" It made me ask myself: what do I truly believe? And do I act on those beliefs as if I believed them? The truth is I don't. I don't believe for a second that truth is relative. I don't believe there are multiple ways to heaven, or that "being good" is good enough. But that's not how I typically act. Over the years I have allowed culture to shut me up. Society tells us that you can have an opinion but you must "respect" other people's opinions by not contradicting them. Keep it to yourself basically. And so often I do. But here's the problem with that: it emasculates intimacy. Think about it. What we all want is to be loved as we truly are isn't it? But true acceptance isn't sweeping our differences under the rug, it's putting those differences on the table and saying, "I still love you."

Let's look at this from another angle. Society tells us to accept everyone. And honestly, that sounds really good! But you can't kill your convictions here's what typically happens. Either you don't say anything because you don't want to be seen as judgmental  or you put up your defenses and tell them your opinion with the preface that they need to accept it because that's the correct thing to do. Either way intimacy is lost because the white elephant in the room constantly stands between you.

Let me end with one final story. One of my best friends in this entire world is a girl with whom I agree with about 60% of the time. Neither of us have ever shrunk away from expressing our opinions. We have had many healthy arguments on subjects in which we have strong convictions. But here's the key--there is nothing she could do that would make me stop loving her. She isn't my friend because of her opinions. She is my friend because she stands beside me. Because she has never left me over a disagreement. And without all those disagreements, I never would have known the fiber of our friendship.

I guess the bible had it right all along: "Speak the truth in love." Each of us needs to decide what convictions we hold. What we believe. What hills are worth dying on. For myself, there are a few people that I need to be more honest with--only then can true loyalty, acceptance and love grow.

All Powerful vs All Good

So I just watched Batman vs Superman last night, and while I enjoyed the movie I was disturbed by the rational of Lex Luthor (and apparently I'm not alone. A fact I discovered as I searched for the clip online and got a BUNCH of reactions coming up as well.) Now I know he's the "bad guy" in the film and therefore isn't necessarily supposed to be the voice of good conscious, but still. I have a feeling more than a few people resonate with his words. Before I go any further, allow me to offer a link to the clip and I speak of:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KuwNhed4ObU

"The problem of You Above All--because that's what God is."
"God is tribal, God takes sides."
"If God is all powerful, he cannot be all good, and if he is all good, he cannot be all powerful."

Allow me to work backwards through these assertions. First, I would like to point out that no Human is "all good." We all make mistakes, we all fail at some point. We are all to one degree or another, selfish. Which makes sense if you think about it. We were all born helpless. We couldn't feed ourselves or protect ourselves. We had one thing we could do--make noise to alert someone else to our needs. All we know how to do is want. Kindness, compassion, love, selflessness, these things come later. We learn them (hopefully) through the influence of those around us. As we grow, we develop a degree of self sufficiency, but even in that, people need people. Look at the degrading effects of solitary confinement! We need community. We need others. It is a beautiful thing, but it is also a limiting thing. If I need others, then I have needs I cannot in and of myself fill so there is a risk that I may not get what I need. So sometimes I become selfish because I'm focused on my own needs or I prioritize them over other's needs. Now let's look at God. If He is all powerful, then he is self-sufficient. AKA he doesn't have needs he cannot fill. Actually, he doesn't have needs at all! Therefore he will never be in a situation where he will want or be forced to look to his own needs at the cost of someone else. He will never have a time where he will try and fail. He's all powerful!  So I would like to propose that BECAUSE God is all powerful, He is ABLE to be all good. He's the only one strong enough.

Now part of me would love to go on a tangent and deal with the definition of good, but at the risk of this becoming too long, I will refrain. However, this does bring me to the next quote, "God is tribal, God takes sides." I see how this would seem logical. Christians and Jews believe that God CHOSE Abram (Abraham) to be the father of many nations: "They will be my people and I will be their God." However, if you were to read the entire Old Testament (or Torah and the Law and the Prophets if you prefer,) you would find that God sometimes "allied" himself with "pagan" nations AGAINST Israel, or had mercy on the "heathens" against the request of "His people." So why would he do this if he was "on their side?" I would like to propose that the truth is God is on God's side. I realize this may not be a popular thought. We want God to be on our side. We like to think of him as choosing teams, or states (God Bless Texas!) or denominations, or political parties. But while God may care, he doesn't align himself with us, he aligns himself with... himself. Which brings me to the last quote: "The problem of You Above All--because that's what God is."

Well... to put it succinctly: Yes. And this is a problem for many people. God is not a being that can be controlled or manipulated. He is all powerful. He's above that kind of thing. (Which is actually really good! Look at what happens to Superman! He's not all powerful, and because of that, Lex Luthor is able to manipulate him!) But God is all powerful and therefore above all. For some, that's scary. For some, it invokes envy. In America, we especially don't like having something over or above us. But I believe we fear this because we don't put in that third truth: He is all Good. A. W. Tozer reminds us that God is all of himself all of the time. He doesn't set aside his Goodness to be All Powerful, he's both.  God is above all, all powerful, all good, and all on his own side.

If this is true, the question becomes, whose side are you on?

What if He doesn't?

So there was a sermon this past Sunday that I GREATLY APPRECIATED. Normally, I share my own thoughts here, but today, I'm sharing the thoughts of Rev. Kurt Powell.

Daniel 3--a pretty well known chapter amongst those who grew up in church. It chronicles the story of three Israelites: Shadrach Meshach and Abednego (or if you're Veggie Tales: Rack, Shack, and Benny.)  Nebuchadnezzar, king of Babylon,  creates a statue that he commands everyone to bow before, but these three refuse. So the King threatens  throw them into a furnace, still they refuse. Now, normally we focus on the part of the story where they are thrown into the flames yet they are unharmed. In fact, the King sees not three, but four men in the flames! But Powell focused on another section.

¹⁷ If we are thrown into the blazing furnace, the God we serve is able to deliver us from it, and he will deliver us^[a] from Your Majesty’s hand. ¹⁸ But even if he does not, we want you to know, Your Majesty, that we will not serve your gods or worship the image of gold you have set up.”

It's great when things go the way we plan. It's wonderful when God answers our prayers. But what if He doesn't? What then? Powell asserted that there are five responses we tend to have as believers.

1. Abandon Ship

When the going get's tuff, some get up and go. I personally have seen this too many times to count, and it breaks my heart. It's usually couched in language like, "If God is so loving then____________" or, "I can't believe in a God who would __________." In fact, I have made similar comments in my Christian life. I've gotten mad because I thought God should have or shouldn't have done something. But oh dear wounded heart! In those dark moments God didn't forsake you. He isn't petty or unjust or uncaring. He counts our tears! He is Elroy, the God who sees. He knows you better than you know yourself and He does love you. The WORST thing you could do for yourself would be to walk away. Stay! Throw a tantrum if you must. Be honest with Him, but stay.

2. Question Your Faith

Another response is to place blame on yourself. You are able to hold on to the truth that God is good, so if the blame isn't on Him, perhaps it's you. If only you had more faith. If only you'd prayed more. If only you were a "better Christian." The truth is yes, sometimes our sin--our mistakes, shortcomings, selfishness--hurts other people. But we must be careful in thinking that if we're "good enough" then God will do what we ask. As Christians, our whole theology hinges on the point that we aren't good enough--no one is perfect! And if we associate lack of desired outcome in prayer with lack of faith, our theology can quickly warp into a work based religion. First of all, no one can arm twist God to do something they want by doing good acts; and secondly, who are we to think we "deserve" it? And for that matter, look at what God has done for us! Look at how much He has given above an beyond "deserve."

3. Ignore the Pain

Then there is the "don't talk about it" response. We don't have a good answer for why that child died, or why this person is sick, or why I still don't have a job so we don't talk about it. We sweep it under the rug. We only acknowledge the answered prayers. But this is SO dangerous. One we're avoiding the issue, and nobody is fooled when we do this. Two, Christianity begins to take on the hue of a summer vacation commercial--everyone smiling and laughing and living it up. Yes, there are good times. Yes there are deep pools of Joy that we can tap into, even this side of heaven. BUT we live in a broken world. A world that is hurting and dark and the last thing anybody needs is for us to shy away from it, ignore it, or avoid it. What we all truly want and need is authenticity. "I don't know" is an acceptable answer. As a friend of mine once taught me, "Sometimes it's okay to not be okay." Look at David. Look at Mary and Martha. These are giants in the faith so to speak. Yet they were able to speak honestly with God and others about disappointment.

4. Cynicism.

This is where we start to think, "Well God is in control and He's going to do what He's going to do and He knows what I want and need, so why bother talking to Him about it?" We don't pray because we think it's ineffective, or we're afraid of being disappointed... Yeah. Definitely been there. But not praying doesn't solve our problems does it? Disappointment still comes. And without communicating with Him, God begins to feel even more distant. Friends, Satan would like nothing more than for you to feel cut off and alone. To feel that God doesn't have your back. That what you say doesn't matter. But it does! Honesty with the Lord invites intimacy. It allows us to better see ourselves. It can lead to healing and empathy and peace. WARNING: It might take a while. But don't give up!

5. Deepen our Faith

The final response is to choose to allow the disappointment to deepen your faith. And though it may not feel like it at the time, it is a choice we can make. It's the choice of believing that God is a good Father--parent's don't give their children everything they ask for (or should at least! Because if they do what happens? That kid turns into a spoiled brat!) Good parents look out for the welfare of their children. Good parents don't abandon their children when the going gets tough. They protect and nurture--even though most of the sacrifices they make will go unnoticed for many years, if they are ever discovered at all! Sometimes they are misunderstood, sometimes they are undervalued, yet they continue to love. Why? Because they are good parents. God is GOOD my friends. So good.

Laura Story wrote a song (based on her life btw) called Blessings. I highly recommend you look it up if you don't know it. Hillary Scott has a song called Thy Will Be Done. Again, listen to the lyrics. C.S. Lewis wrote a book called The Screwtape Letters which is a fictional correspondence between two demons. Uncle Screwtape is mentoring his nephew Wormwood. In one chapter He writes, “Our cause is never more in danger than when a human, no longer desiring, but still intending, to do our Enemy's will, looks round upon a universe from which every trace of Him seems to have vanished, and asks why he has been forsaken, and still obeys.” 

Powell ended his sermon with a beautiful illustration from the movie version of Chronicles of Narnia. At the climax, Peter and his brother are standing with those faithful to Aslan before the army of the White Witch. A hawk flies down and reports to Peter that her army vastly outnumbers their own. Peter turns to the centaur on his left and asks a vital question, "Are you with me?" to which the centaur replies, "to the death."

Jesus asks the same question.  "In this life you will have trouble. There will be times when I seem far from you. Times when you are confused and disheartened. The Tempter's Lies will sometimes ring louder (and truer)  than Truth. You will face disappointment. But I have overcome the world. I see the path. I know the 'why' and the 'how.' So even though the enemy is strong, and his army vast, and the way seems unsure, are you with me?"

May we choose to respond,

"to the death."

Red

Red. The color of anger. The color of hate. The color of pain. There is so much red in the world. Sometimes it's overwhelming. I sit and listen and I hear... red. Anger at the government. Anger at systems. Anger at corporations. Anger at institutions. Anger at each other. Anger at self. Anger at the pain we feel. Pain from loving and losing. Pain from rejection. Pain from watching another's pain.  Pain from the emptiness inside that can't seem to be filled... with anything. Pain and anger sprouting from fear. Fear of losing. Fear of missing out. Fear of pain. Fear of being too much or not enough. Fear the emptiness will never be filled. Red dipped in red garnished with red. So much red it makes my heart ache.

But there is another side to red. Red is the color of life--the blood running through our veins. Red is the color of love, of the heart.

And during this time of the year, Christians celebrate RED:
The color of Anger so hot it sent an innocent man to death.
The color of Pain as Jesus was abandoned, scourged, pierced with nails, and left to die.
The color of Love as He allowed it to happen. "Father forgive them/Father let them."
And the color of LIFE because Jesus didn't stay dead. He came back--for us.

And His RED can cure our red. It has the capacity to fill the emptiness inside. It has the power to  diffuse our anger and pain and fear and give us peace. It has the power to give abundant life, now and forever. To Christ followers, death is just a speedbump.

Friends, God loves you. He longs to be known by you. He longs for you to trust Him. He longs to pour out His RED on you that you may filled. Trade all your red, your anger and fear and hate and pain, for His RED and find true Life/Love.

Saying Goodbye

There's nothing like a move to put your life in perspective. For all of you wondering why I suddenly packed up a truck and left Houston for Tyler, the short answer is: one of my jobs was turned into a voluntary position. Yes, I'm fine. No really, I'm fine. I mean it--Fine. Really. God has been so gracious with my heart and mind through this whole process. I could hazard a dozen guesses at what all He was/is doing with this, but as I have no solid answers, I will keep those thoughts to myself for now. What I would like to talk about is actually a byproduct of this whole adventure.

Because of the timing of things, I ended up saying "goodbye" in tiers. As each job came to a close (I was up to three,) I would go through the "goodbye" process again. I'm not that great with in person goodbyes. I do much better with notes (as many of you can attest to.) But the hardest ones by far were the people I regretted not talking with more. So here's my advice. Don't put off talking with people--whatever the reason may be. If there is a rift between you and someone, go talk to them! If you have a friend or family member you're worried about because of the life decisions they are making, go talk with them! If you know someone who is going through a rough time, go talk with them, or more importantly, go listen to them! If there is someone who always lifts your spirits, tell them. If there is someone you admire, tell them. If there is someone who gives great advice, or is a great listener, or is just a close friend (or family member) tell them! My fellow Christians, if you have someone who is struggling spiritually, go talk with them. If you have friends who think you're crazy for what you believe in, go talk with them! If you DON'T KNOW their opinions on the matter go talk to them!!!!  A "goodbye" could be waiting right around the corner for you. Don't wait.

Trust me on this. "Tomorrow" is not the best option to bank on. And as Point of Grace once sang, "This day is fleeting, when it slips away, not all our money can buy back this day..." So Today, let's put people first. Let's ask the questions, do the catching up, give the encouragement, call out the good (and bad--in love.) Because waiting too often leads to regret.

Part 2

Satan lies. This we know (or should.) And I discovered one of those deep reaching, long hidden lies not too long ago. (See my last blog.) It was, “you are useless.” And like any good recovery program, the first step is knowing/admitting you have a problem. So I admitted it. More than once. I saw how this lie wrapped its tentacles around my thoughts, how it perverted Truth. And honestly, I thought that was the end. Now I know the lie and I must fight to disbelieve it.  Heh, have you ever tried to disbelieve something? It’s rather hard!  It reminds me of a parable of Jesus. “When an unclean spirit goes out of a man, he goes through dry places, seeking rest, and finds none. ⁴⁴ Then he says, ‘I will return to my house from which I came.’ And when he comes, he finds it empty, swept, and put in order. ⁴⁵ Then he goes and takes with him seven other spirits more wicked than himself, and they enter and dwell there; and the last state of that man is worse than the first.” (Matthew 12:43-45) I knew the lie, and that is a good start, but I didn’t know the truth. Not really. So finally, I began to ask God. “God I feel useless, but I know that’s a lie, could you please tell me the truth?” First day… nothing. Then I asked again, “God please replace my lies with your Truth; who do you say that I am?” And again… nothing. Then today, without even asking the question, God spoke. He spoke through a video posted to Facebook where a man named Joe told his story but I heard my own. It was one of doubt and fear and exhaustion, then he told me God’s answer to his story and in it I heard my own… “I made a covenant with you, for better or worse, in sickness and health, and I will take you into heaven one day. You are mine.”

 To say that I cried was an understatement. I was a sobbing, blubbering mess. I am his. He claimed me. And in the midst of my tears I started to laugh as I realized that has always been his answer to me. I say, “how many mess ups do I get before you walk away?” and he says, “If you’ve offended me, shouldn’t I get what I want? I want you.” I say, “what if I don’t make it? What if I let go before the end?” and he says, “By the way, I’ll see you in heaven.” He has promised to talk with me face to face, he has named me precious. He claims me over and over again as his own. He said it a thousand different ways through the prophets and apostles of old, but he is still willing to speak to broken, scared, souls and claim us. “My grace is sufficient, my power is made perfect in weakness.” Take that Satan. You may call me “useless,” but God has called me his own.