Chapter 16

"You know when I said I knew little about love?  Well, that wasn't true.  I know alot about love.  I've seen it.  I've seen centuries and centuries of it.  And it was the only thing that made watching your world bearable.  All those wars.  Pain and lies.  Hate.  Made me want to turn away and never look down again.  But to see the way that mankind loves.  I mean, you could search the furthest reaches of the universe and never find anything more beautiful.  So, yes, I know that love is unconditional.  But I also know it can be unpredictable, unexpected, uncontrollable, unbearable and, well, strangely easy to mistake for loathing.  And, what I'm trying to say, Tristan, is I think I love you.  My heart, it feels like my chest can barely contain it.  Like it doesn't belong to me anymore, it belongs to you.  And if you wanted it, I'd wish for nothing in exchange.  No gifts, no goods, no demostrations of devotion.  Nothing but knowing you love me, too.  Just you heart in exchange for mine."


-STARDUST




Ah love. Tis a subject I have (not surprisingly) meditated on a lot. And it seems like the more I meditate on it, the more complicated it becomes to wrap my mind around, much less describe accurately. However, one of the things that I am becoming increasingly aware of is that it is grossly mistaken for lust. True love is selfless but I feel like what we see in movies and read about in contemporary novels is much of the time anything but selfless. I even find in my own life, that I struggle with selfish desires. For years I've thought about what I want in a husband. What I desire to get out of him instead of what I want to give. I've said things like, "I hope he can dance..." or "I would love it if he was into Shakespeare..." I watch romantic flicks and think, "I want a guy like that, I want to be loved like that, I want someone to give themselves like that for me..." Now I'm not saying love is not to be enjoyed. It is! But love is not only about you. It's not only about me. It's not a mere feeling in the pit of our stomach, or the electricity of a glance, a touch, or a whisper. Love, true love, is a give an take. It's an exchanging of thought--I stop thinking of myself to think of the other person, and they do the same for me. I once told a friend in regards to finding a husband, "Don't look for the perfect guy, or the guy for you, look for the guy that makes you forget about yourself because you're too busy thinking about fulfilling him." Afterwards I thought, "Man, I need to listen to my own advice!"  Love is humble and patient and polite and selfless, forgiving, generous, truthful, trusting, hopeful and strong. Now I've been giving examples of romantic love, but this list is true for any relationship. True love for parents, children, siblings, and friends fits these adjectives as well. And most importantly, they apply to God. Without understanding what true love is, I believe that it is impossible to understand Him. But that is a tangent that holds 20+ pages, so I will hold off. Suffice to say how amazing would it be if we loved passionately and selflessly...




"I will have poetry in my life. And adventure. And love. Love above all. No... not the artful postures of love, not playful and poetical games of love for the amusement of an evening, but love that... over-throws life. Unbiddable, ungovernable - like a riot in the heart, and nothing to be done, come ruin or rapture. Love - like there has never been in a play."

-Shakespeare In Love

Chapter 21

As I begin to type this I am laughing internally at myself because I'm only on the "third" chapter of this story and yet I'm already going to repeat myself:  "I love how God repeats lessons if we don't soak them in the first time." Back a few years ago I was part of a ministry called Primary Focus/Living Proof. That year of my life alone could fill a book, but right now I'm just going to focus on one week. One day  of one week to be exact. I don't even remember the reason it all began anymore, but out of some inspiration or another I decided to take a week to be silent. No talking unless to answer someone or in productions. The last day of my self-imposed muteness, I took some time to reflect on what I had discovered. The biggest revelation was how selfish talking allows us to be. When I fasted from it, I couldn't put my two cents in when my team discussed where they wanted to eat, or what they wanted to do with the three free hours we had. If someone's comment sparked a witty remark in my mind, I couldn't say it. And why did I have the desire to say it anyway? So that people could see me as smart, or quick, or funny.  I discovered that most of the things I would have naturally said were to bring focus to self. I want to explain something, because I feel smart for having that knowledge. I have a funny story I want to share because I want to be seen as entertaining. I want to speak against this theory or idea because I think I'm right and I want people to know it. How often are the things that come out of our mouths used to puff up self? (Now rarely do I ever consciously realize my true motivations, but I can't deny them when I sit down to meditate on why I say the things I do.) Recently I was reminded yet again of these truths. Oh how deep self runs, with long twisting roots. Perhaps this is why we are cautioned to be quick to listen and slow to speech. What could I learn about those around me if I wasn't focused on what I was saying, or going to say, and I shut up and listened? How much deeper could my empathy, and love, and care for others go if I gave over my proverbial "microphone." And maybe now is the time to start just that. So what were you saying?

Chapter 25

I love how God repeats lessons if we don't soak them in the first time. God is good. How many times must I have that lesson before I truly learn it? The latest of these lessons was a few weeks back. We're trying to get ready for our Christmas production, and were all suspended between fear of imminent failure, and the peace of knowing God's taking care of it. I was in the theatre desperately praying for things to come together and for God to speak to the people who would see the production, and after repeating myself for the fifth time in quiet desperation I finally realized, I was talking at God and not to Him. I started thinking about it and it struck me, God isn't more likely to answer my prayer just because I repeated it enough times. I can't twist His arm, or pull blessing out of Him by begging. And then it came. The thought: "Trisha, why do you feel like you need to plead with me to bless something that is already part of my will?" and I realized, God wants people to hear Him. He wants us to use our gifts and talents to glorify Him. I didn't have to beg for those things. And what's more, I realized that for a while now I have viewed God as a being I must grovel before in hopes that maybe, perhaps, if the mood strikes Him, He'll hear my prayer, and then if He does, I fell like I have to make it up to Him. BUT THAT'S NOT HOW HE WORKS! God loves us, He loves lavishing His love and grace and mercy on us. He loves when we seek Him. He loves to be in relationship with us, and just like I love giving my loved ones gifts, so He loves giving to us, ESPECIALLY when our desires are in line with His will. This all hit me in a matter of minutes, and then, as if to make sure I got the message, He used Marsha to wave me into the coffee shop where Dana was singing. "He is jealous for me. Loves like a hurricane, I am a tree bending beneath the weight of his wind and mercy. When all of a sudden I am aware of these affections eclipsed by glory, and I realize just how beautiful you are and how great your affections are for me. Yeah He loves us. Oh how He loves us, oh, how He loves us, how He loves us, oh..." I later found out that Dana doesn't particularly love that song and wasn't sure what prompted her to sing it. But I do:)

Chapter 19

Some of you know, some of you may not know, but my sophomore year of college I was unofficially diagnosed with depression. (I think I was probably struggling with it long before then.) My appetite changed. I slept all the time. (If I wasn't in class or doing homework, I was sleeping.) I stopped caring about anything outside of my own mental (and sometimes physical) pain. And I hated myself for it. How I was released from depression is a story for another time. This chapter is about why I struggled with it in the first place. While I was dealing with it, I thought it was because I had done something to displease God and he was smiting me. So at first I dug though my life trying to find out what I had done. Then I began to yell at God because, even if I did do something, I felt like this was overkill. After being released from it, I researched it... a lot. And I came to the conclusion that depression--clinical depression-- is a problem physically with how much chemicals your body is producing, and so I began to look at myself as a victim of circumstance. This gave way to fears of it's return and questioning of why God allowed it.

Now the experience wasn't all bad--I was able to relate with others going through depression and was able to encourage and support them. The experience also kicked me off of my high "Christian" horse. I was very pretentiously pious and looked down upon people who struggled with things that I thought should be easy to avoid. Depression brought with it all kinds of temptations I had never experienced. However, it also caused me to doubt God in many ways. Since the experience I have struggled (for the most part on my own, too scared to tell anyone else about my struggles) with God's goodness, grace, mercy, compassion, and love. I was ashamed of my struggles, because I believed that I was wrong to doubt these things. I was thankful that God had helped me out of depression. And I have rejoiced many times for the happiness, and joy He has brought back into my life. But I don't think I was ever thankful for going through depression... until this morning.

I was reading The Way of the Cross and Roy Hession was talking about "walking in the light" and what that truly meant. He painted a picture of us being able to stop hiding the things we are ashamed of, but bring it all into the light with God and also with each other. It scares us because we don't want to be judged, or condemned, or seen as wrong. But how freeing it would be if we could share our failures openly, ask for forgiveness, and instead of judging one another, be able to support one another and keep each other accountable? Then we could truly be ourselves without any fear of discovery, because we are already wholly known and accepted. So I was thinking about how I would react if people knew my "deep dark secrets" and if someone, out of love, pointed out an area in my life that was self-serving. How would I react? And I realized that, while it wouldn't feel good, and I may try to make excuses, I would ultimately want to change that part of my life... and I'm not sure I would have been that way pre-depression. Back then I thought I had all the answers and if someone had challenged how I was living my life, I probably would have been much more apt to defend myself. Depression broke me, and now I think that maybe part of that was so I could see my shortcomings and failures and be able to listen to correction. So maybe part of the reason I went through depression was to get me to a place where God could draw me closer to Himself. Where I could see my own sin and ask for forgiveness and get it out of the way so it doesn't stand between us anymore. And when that though hit me, I was filled with an overwhelming thankfulness for depression and a realization that I don't have to doubt God's goodness or love or mercy or caring--because it was out of those things that he brought hardship on me. Like a good parent disciplines a child out of love, so our God disciplines, not out of anger, but out of love.

So it begins...

Believe it or not, this idea has been sitting on the back burner for a couple of years now... see what procrastination and the phrase "I'm too busy" will get you? (Three years older with the nagging feeling that you haven't yet accomplished something you feel you should have done multiple times now.) I was finally convinced to plunge into this endeavor by a man named Roy Hession who wrote The Way of the Cross. (I highly recommend it for any of you who haven't read it.) It all basically boils down to this: God has been teaching me some incredible things and I have had the best intentions of telling everyone about them, but am lucky to pass it onto a few. So here I am, opening my life's book and now divulging to you some of it's best kept secrets. Just to warn you, I am not sure where to begin, and (for once) feel like the beginning may not be the best place to start, so I will be skipping around from "chapter" to "chapter" and titling them thus. I would like to go on record as saying that I am well aware that many people will not actually read this :) that's alright. For those of you who do, I hope my openness will allow you to see God in a new light, or at least be reminded of something that has fallen by the wayside. I invite you to join with me and celebrate the triumphs, morn the failures, and smile at the mercy shown...