Saying Goodbye

There's nothing like a move to put your life in perspective. For all of you wondering why I suddenly packed up a truck and left Houston for Tyler, the short answer is: one of my jobs was turned into a voluntary position. Yes, I'm fine. No really, I'm fine. I mean it--Fine. Really. God has been so gracious with my heart and mind through this whole process. I could hazard a dozen guesses at what all He was/is doing with this, but as I have no solid answers, I will keep those thoughts to myself for now. What I would like to talk about is actually a byproduct of this whole adventure.

Because of the timing of things, I ended up saying "goodbye" in tiers. As each job came to a close (I was up to three,) I would go through the "goodbye" process again. I'm not that great with in person goodbyes. I do much better with notes (as many of you can attest to.) But the hardest ones by far were the people I regretted not talking with more. So here's my advice. Don't put off talking with people--whatever the reason may be. If there is a rift between you and someone, go talk to them! If you have a friend or family member you're worried about because of the life decisions they are making, go talk with them! If you know someone who is going through a rough time, go talk with them, or more importantly, go listen to them! If there is someone who always lifts your spirits, tell them. If there is someone you admire, tell them. If there is someone who gives great advice, or is a great listener, or is just a close friend (or family member) tell them! My fellow Christians, if you have someone who is struggling spiritually, go talk with them. If you have friends who think you're crazy for what you believe in, go talk with them! If you DON'T KNOW their opinions on the matter go talk to them!!!!  A "goodbye" could be waiting right around the corner for you. Don't wait.

Trust me on this. "Tomorrow" is not the best option to bank on. And as Point of Grace once sang, "This day is fleeting, when it slips away, not all our money can buy back this day..." So Today, let's put people first. Let's ask the questions, do the catching up, give the encouragement, call out the good (and bad--in love.) Because waiting too often leads to regret.

Part 2

Satan lies. This we know (or should.) And I discovered one of those deep reaching, long hidden lies not too long ago. (See my last blog.) It was, “you are useless.” And like any good recovery program, the first step is knowing/admitting you have a problem. So I admitted it. More than once. I saw how this lie wrapped its tentacles around my thoughts, how it perverted Truth. And honestly, I thought that was the end. Now I know the lie and I must fight to disbelieve it.  Heh, have you ever tried to disbelieve something? It’s rather hard!  It reminds me of a parable of Jesus. “When an unclean spirit goes out of a man, he goes through dry places, seeking rest, and finds none. ⁴⁴ Then he says, ‘I will return to my house from which I came.’ And when he comes, he finds it empty, swept, and put in order. ⁴⁵ Then he goes and takes with him seven other spirits more wicked than himself, and they enter and dwell there; and the last state of that man is worse than the first.” (Matthew 12:43-45) I knew the lie, and that is a good start, but I didn’t know the truth. Not really. So finally, I began to ask God. “God I feel useless, but I know that’s a lie, could you please tell me the truth?” First day… nothing. Then I asked again, “God please replace my lies with your Truth; who do you say that I am?” And again… nothing. Then today, without even asking the question, God spoke. He spoke through a video posted to Facebook where a man named Joe told his story but I heard my own. It was one of doubt and fear and exhaustion, then he told me God’s answer to his story and in it I heard my own… “I made a covenant with you, for better or worse, in sickness and health, and I will take you into heaven one day. You are mine.”

 To say that I cried was an understatement. I was a sobbing, blubbering mess. I am his. He claimed me. And in the midst of my tears I started to laugh as I realized that has always been his answer to me. I say, “how many mess ups do I get before you walk away?” and he says, “If you’ve offended me, shouldn’t I get what I want? I want you.” I say, “what if I don’t make it? What if I let go before the end?” and he says, “By the way, I’ll see you in heaven.” He has promised to talk with me face to face, he has named me precious. He claims me over and over again as his own. He said it a thousand different ways through the prophets and apostles of old, but he is still willing to speak to broken, scared, souls and claim us. “My grace is sufficient, my power is made perfect in weakness.” Take that Satan. You may call me “useless,” but God has called me his own.

Useless

Useless

There has been a theme coming up over and over again this past week, and generally when that happens it’s time to sit up and take notice. This time it came in the form of a “little known fact,” and that fact is: Satan lies. Mind boggling right? He lies! He is a liar. He invented it. It’s his native language. All lies in the entire universe find their origin in him. And he doesn’t just lie once, or once in a blue moon. He does it EVERY DAY. Some of the lies he tells us are universal. Some are personal. But all are repeated and reinforced as time goes on. The really unnerving thing is that we don’t even recognize many of them. They sound like culture, or they sound like reason, or they sound… true. We wake up in the morning to find a pimple has bared its ugly head on our face and he leans in and whispers, “Gross! Look at that thing! It’s so ugly. You’re so ugly. You’re gross. You need to hide it! You need to hide.”

Some lies are smoke screens to hide bigger lies; some reinforce core lies; some are buried so deep beneath everything else we’d never even know they were there. And those are the truly dangerous ones. The ones that lay close to our core—the ones that were rooted long ago and have sat festering under everything else, robbing us of joy, peace, love, contentment, etc. It takes some digging to find those lies, but DIG WE MUST! If we want any sort of freedom in this life, we need to carve those lies out and expose them to the light to show what they truly are! Lies!

My own digging started because of a lesson I did at church with the Youth. We were talking about how God views us. (Priceless works of art, worth saving, with function and purpose—see Ephesians 2:10) And I realized that even though I said it, I didn’t believe it about myself. Red flag. So today I asked the question: Why? Why didn’t I believe that to be true? And what did I believe? (A really good question, because I find that I often don’t know right away!) What did I feel was true? (Oh I could go onto a side tangent about feelings here! How feelings are based out of perception and can be very authentic, but lie to us. They’re good because they work like the nervous system: they communicate that something is going on—but don’t always indicate what that is. Anyway, back to my original point…) I realized (after a lot of digging) that I felt unloved and lonely. Why? The God of the universe loved me. And he said he would never leave us. But I realized I didn’t believe that was true either. Red flag number two. What did I believe? I believed that I was a screw up… okay, but the world is full of those… so what? That I was constantly disappointing God, and sure he loved me, but what if that wasn’t enough? What if he didn’t like me very much? Why would he not like me? Because I’m lazy. Why do I think I’m lazy? Because I choose to not do more. I run to entertainment. I run from pain. I’m deathly afraid of it. So I bury myself in movies and fiction. Why? Because in those things are worlds where I can feel like I am who I wish I was: that I could change the world… that I could change me… that I could speak out and take action and be persuasive and love people—and make God proud of me… so he would like me, because I wouldn’t be useless.

Finally my shovel hit rock. This lie that has been buried for so long: I’m useless.

Suddenly things started falling into place. Why do I have this NEED to know everything? Because I’m fighting the fear, the lie, that I’m useless. Why wasn’t it okay to make mistakes? Because I’m fighting the lie that I’m useless. Why do I struggle to believe that I’m a priceless creation of God and that he has plans and purposes for my life? Because I believe I’m useless! SO many things in my life go back to this one lie that Satan has been solidifying in me for a long time now. Every time I mess up he leans in and whispers “useless.” Every time I fail, “useless.” So I begin to fear failure because, “you’re useless.” I struggle to feel loved because, “you’re useless.” I stop trying because, “you’re useless.”

Interestingly enough, I don’t feel worthless. That word doesn’t zap me. Maybe Satan tried that one and it didn’t take. I don’t know. All I know is when I discovered the word “useless.” I felt it to my core. BUT that is not God’s name for me. And now that I’ve discovered the lie, I can combat it. Like the old adage goes, “knowing is half the battle.”

Alright. Now that I’ve gone supernova in my vulnerability (allow me to wink at those of you who know Brene’ Brown and her thoughts on floodlight vulnerability,) let me state this: Please do not pity me. And don’t feel the need to tell me how useful I am. That is not the point of this. The point is to expose Satan for who he truly is: A liar. And to ask you what names/labels has he given you that keep you in chains? Because I’m not the only priceless piece of art around here. You are! And if you don’t believe that, why not? God says you’re his poime (Greek) his poem, created to do good works that he’s already prepared for you to do. Paul says it is for FREEDOM that Christ has set us free. Stand firm then and do not allow yourself to be burdened again by the yoke of slavery. So we need to ask the questions. We need to dig. We need to expose those lies and treat them as such. Because God wants to use you. He wants to work in and through you. He loves you with an everlasting love. You are valuable to him. Heavens, we’re about to celebrate this in a few months! Immanuel: God with us. What Jesus came down to do was for the whole world, and that includes you.

Having said all that, allow me to end this with a prayer of Paul’s that I find most apt: I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, may have the strength together with all the saints to grasp how high and long and deep and wide is the love of Christ and to know this love that surpasses all understanding that you may be filled to the measure of all fullness in God. And now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than we could ever ask or imagine according to his power that is at work within us. To him be glory in the Church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, forever and ever. May it be so (Amen.)

"Today"

God is constantly astounding me with his Grace. I’ve been talking with him for the past few weeks about this streak of lethargy I’ve seen in my life. I “know” that time shouldn’t be wasted, but I don’t really act on that knowledge. Result? I’ve wasted a lot of days here lately. Now I’m not saying that I need to do “more.” I am saying that I need to better manage the time I do have. Prioritize. “Work smarter, not harder” as the motto goes. Sadly, all I’ve done is talk to God about it and that is a far cry from doing anything about it. This morning as I worshiped I revisited this stale conversation, knowing full well that it would take a small miracle to actually kick my rear in gear. Little did I know, God was ready and waiting to talk back, because today’s sermon was all about not wasting our “Today.” And for the next half hour, God spoke back to me much of what I’ve been saying for the past month. Maybe that sounds odd to you, but for me it was golden. The God of the universe took the time to tell me what I needed to hear, even though I already knew it! It was like he was saying, “You know this. Now do it—because you can. You are completely capable.” Again, I realize it sounds crazy, but it was exactly what I needed. The ultimate pep talk. I don’t want to waste my todays because I don’t know how many of them I am going to have. I want to see and hear God (more than just occasionally.) I want learn to love and trust more deeply. I want to serve graciously. I want to live intentionally.

Scary Revelation

So "Love" has been a theme that keeps creeping up in my personal spiritual journey. What love is, how God loves, how we love (or don't.)

I hear the voice of culture saying, "don't be judgmental, be loving" which is a great thing--really! But for me it turns into, don't have an opinion about anything because you might offend someone. Or, have an opinion but keep it to yourself and don't contradict anyone. Is that love? Being tolerant?

I read a lot of teen fiction (mostly because they're concise and I can get through a book in one to two days.) And over the past year the overwhelming plot arch has been: Protagonist faces trial, finds love unexpected love interest, refuses to change at all for love interest and is loved in spite of flaws. Now I'm ALL for being loved in spite of flaws and being loved for who you are. But the more I read, the more I realize this love is very one sided. The protagonist receives all the grace and makes all the demands with the love support caving. Is this love?

At first my hypothesis was that in general love has been replaced with lust. But I have since had to amend this. More than lust, love has been replaced with worship. These characters aren't loved, they aren't necessarily lusting or lusted after (though to be sure there is surprisingly plenty of lust in teen fiction.) They are being worshiped. The lover worships the beloved and the beloved basks in it.

Compound this with a pervading comment I hear in spiritual circles: "If God is Love he would..." Confession time: I have secretly thought this before. "God if you love me why don't you ___________" or "God if you love me why is ______________ happening?" I realized today, if I put any other name in these sentences they would reek of manipulation. "Husband, if you love me why don't you ___________" "Boyfriend if you loved me you would _______________" "Child of mine if you loved me you wouldn't _________________" "Friend of mine, if you were really my friend you would/wouldn't ___________"

And that's when the revelation hit. The scary, horrid, revolting revelation: What I'm really saying to God is, "why aren't you worshiping me?! Why aren't you keeping your opinion to yourself and caving to all of my desires?" Even worse, than that I expect him to accept whatever love I might give him in return. I set the standards. HOW BACKWARDS IS THIS?! We were created (by a loving God who doesn't need us-- he didn't create us because he was lonely and wanted someone to live him--but humbled himself to come down and live among us and die to heal the rift we created)  we were created by that God to worship.

So I did the only thing I could. I fell before a holy, righteous, loving, just, creator God and sought forgiveness.

 Point of Grace expressed it perfectly:

The more I know your power, lord
The more I'm mindful
How casually we speak and sing your name
How often we have come to you
With no fear or wonder
And called upon you only for what we stand to gain

God forbid, that I find you so familiar
That I think of you as less than who you are
God forbid, that I should speak of you at all
Without a humble reverence in my heart
God forbid

Lord, I often talk about your love and mercy
How it seems to me your goodness has no end
It frightens me to think that I could take you for granted
Though you're closer than a brother
You're more than just a friend

God forbid, that I find you so familiar
That I think of you as less than who you are
God forbid, that I should speak of you at all
Without a humble reverence in my heart
God forbid
You are father, God almighty
Lord of lords, your king of kings
Beyond my understanding
No less than everything

What Would I Give?

Anyone else get “zinged” in church this Sunday? I did! And mine was a double hitter! In my young adults class we talked about Generosity, what it is, what keeps us from it (our excuses,) what God says about it, and consequences for withholding it. End result…ever have that feeling like one of those huge multi-colored neon blinking arrows is right above your head? No one else might have seen it, but my psyche certainly did. Then in church we talked about what true Belief is. (Defined as: “Something considered to be true and worthy of ones trust; to entrust oneself to another with complete and total commitment.”—wow.) My pastor told this amazing story of a man he met in Uganda last week on a mission trip. The man came forward to pray to become a Christian and Jim asked him if he understood what that meant. He answered yes so Jim said, “Let’s pray.” The man stopped him and said, first I think you should know that I’m Muslim. Jim paused and looked the man in the eye and repeated the question: “Do you understand what you’re getting yourself into?” The man replied, “Yes, it means I may get kicked out of my family, lose my job, be ostracized from my community and become completely dependent on any charity the church gives me… I trust Jesus that much.” There was an audible collective gasp from the congregation. And I knew what we were all thinking. Do I believe like that?

After at lunch a couple of us talked about the messages and admitted to the difficulty in attaining this kind of Belief in Jesus. And, as God does so often with me, I spurted out a thought that made me stop and think about what I just said. I was talking about Moses and how I wouldn’t want his job. Hey, go to the most powerful man around and tell him he’s wrong and his power is going to crumble and his work force will be taken from him. Then lead a people who will grumble and complain against you and not listen to you. I wouldn’t want to live not knowing the next step I was to take until I took it. I would not want to wander seemingly aimlessly for decades!... But I want to see the waters part, and I want to go up onto the mountain and talk face to face with God. And I guess the question is, am I willing to give up everything I know for the chance to really see God move? 

Huh… would I? What would I give? Security? Future plans? Desires of my heart? Comfort? Reputation? And I realized. I WANT God. I have a deep longing that runs to the core of my being. And I’m terrified of the cost, but I have this sneaking suspicion that I’ll get to the point where my desire for more of Him trumps my fear. Because I’m not satisfied with once-a-week lessons that prick my moral and spiritual conscience. I’m not satisfied with guilt over what I haven’t done. I’m not satisfied with once a year mission trips. (Not that any of that is bad--far from it, I just want MORE.) I WANT God. I want to see the hopeless become the hopefuls. I want to paint my world in His colors! He is SO amazing! And I want people to see glimpses of who He truly is in all His complex and confusing shades. I used to sing a song long ago in a group called Living Proof. “There’s a voice calling me from an old rugged tree, and it whispers, ‘draw closer to me. Leave this world far behind, there are new heights to climb and a new place in me you will find.’ For whatever it takes, to draw closer to you Lord, that’s what I’ll be willing to do, and whatever it takes to be more like you, that’s what I’ll be willing to do. Take the dearest thing to me, if that’s how it must be to draw me closer to thee. Let the disappointments come, lonely days without the sun if through sorrow more like you I become. Take my houses and land, change my dreams and my plans for I’m placing my whole life in your hands. And if you call me today to a land far away, Lord I’ll go, and your will obey. I’ll trade comfort for pain, I’ll trade sunshine for rain, that’s what I’ll be willing to do. For whatever it takes for my heart to break, that’s what I’ll be willing to do.” … I think I’m beginning to get that song now. 

Silence is golden...

"Finding myself at a loss for words, and the funny thing is, it's okay..." No truer words have been sung. Alright that's a bit hyperbolic but that's how I felt day 1 of my "Word" fast for lent. I had expected that there would be plenty of moments I wanted attention in some capacity and only recognized it because of my vow of silence. What surprised me was how much I wanted to explain myself! To be understood. How hard it was for me to relinquish other people's opinions of me. Even small things like, "Well you can't talk but you can text so it will be alright." Well no, written words are still words, but I can't explain that to you because I've given up words! Another surprising thing: How LOUD it is in my mind! Even on day 1 I found it extremely hard to turn the inner monologue off. To be quiet and just listen. No wonder I often find myself in the past or future rather than engaged with the present. This was definitely a hindsight enlightenment to why I even began this fast. This past fall I found God leading me back to the scripture in James about being quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to become angry. It got to the point where I would pray this over my life on a pretty regular basis. Then around December a seed was planted in my heart for the desire to do a word fast. This brings me back to lent. 

Well by day 5 I found myself in a constant battle to listen and not be drawn into my inner monologue. Seriously, it was like my brain had "shiny object" syndrome. You could say "cat" and I'd be gone for the next ten minutes thinking about my parent's cats and the Cheshire cat and the pros and cons of Dogs vs Cats, etc ad nausium. About this time I also began to realize a thread of critical thinking towards others but also towards myself. Take traffic for example. Someone would cut me off without even signaling with their blinker that they were headed in my direction and I would angrily rant about right-of-ways and politeness (as if they can hear me) then catch myself and begin to yell at myself for not being more forgiving and loving... something is wrong with this whole picture. 

Day 10 felt like the biggest milestone (even in I did have 30 more to go!) And I had found gentle ways of guiding my thoughts. I had decided that my drive to and from work would be times for me to exercise silence in my mind. So when thoughts would invade the stillness of the car I would gently correct, "Shhh... listen." Okay so it's a bit like talking to a child, but I figured it was better than "Shut up!" I also began to pay attention to colors. I never really appreciated color so much, but I would find myself in stunned silence looking at the green of the grass or the pink of the budding trees or that amazing red/orange of the sunset. But one of the biggest surprises was the discovery that God wasn't overly talkative when I was completely silent, and I finally realized that the times when I hear him the most is when I'm in dialogue with him. I'm an external processor and that's how God speaks to me. I can't tell you how many times I'll be talking (processing) and out of my mouth will come something that was never in my head. And I can't really put it into words, but there was this incredible connection between me and God in that revelation. He sees me, he knows me, he made me, he relates to me in my own terms... wow.  

Now I wish I could go on to tell you of a glorious victory and how much I am changed because of it, but the truth is, I knew going into this that there was a huge change of "failure" on my part. I had also told God that if I found myself getting overly angry or resentful towards him about a vow I made (and was not forced to make) that I would rather break the vow than blame him. I didn't last much beyond Day 10. Some of it had to do with the fact that I was beginning to have VERY vivid dreams that wore me out because all my unprocessed thoughts were cramming into them. Part of it was weakness of resolve. But I began talking socially again. Not all the time, but far more often than was needed. And while I admit that I failed, I also admit that I've forgiven myself. I'm proud of how far I made it, and maybe next year if I feel led, I'll make it even farther. I'm SO thankful for the things I learned and hope that this has given me tools to remain present in the moment, gently still my mind to listen, and think about others and myself with a more positive inner voice. Wow, that last sentence was rather long! And this blog is heading in the same direction. So before I become a complete hypocrite for saying "less is more" I'll end my words and focus on the present.