There are times I feel utterly worthless. It usually happens when I look inside myself and see how disgustingly selfish I am. The times when I don’t have the desire to hear from God because I’m scared of what He’ll ask me to do. The times when I don’t want to worship him because I’m too busy blaming Him. The times when I don’t feel very loving towards Him because I’m mad at Him. I’ve even blamed Him for my lack of love towards him before. How messed up is that?! Then I feel guilty—guilty that I don’t care. Guilty that all I can think about is me. Guilty for not loving others, or not being filled with God to pour into others, or not listening to Him. Guilty for feeling like all that I do is out of a feeling of responsibility/duty and not out of genuine desire or passion. Guilty that my highest desire is to just not hurt inside. Then I get mad at myself and sometimes God and then feel guilty for blaming Him for feeling guilty… yeah. I guess it’s not hard to figure out why I sometimes feel worthless. And I could open the huge can of worms about lies of the Devil right now, but that’s not the point of this discourse. My point is actually eloquently put in a song: “My sin, oh the bliss of this glorious thought, my sin not in part, but the whole was nailed to the cross and I bear it no more, praise the Lord! Praise the Lord oh my soul!” (The previous verse states, “Though Satan should buffet, though trials should come, let this blest assurance control; that Christ has regarded my helpless estate and has shed his own blood for my soul.”) This is love. This is the gospel. Not by work lest any man should boast, but by faith are we granted access into heaven. (Not that I shouldn’t strive for righteousness,) but even in my horrid, selfish, “worthless” state all I have to do is come to Jesus in faith and ask Him to erase the board. And he will! God coming down in human form because of ridiculous, selfish people like me, and dying to give them a way to heaven. Wow. Maybe I have worth after all…
