Part 2

Satan lies. This we know (or should.) And I discovered one of those deep reaching, long hidden lies not too long ago. (See my last blog.) It was, “you are useless.” And like any good recovery program, the first step is knowing/admitting you have a problem. So I admitted it. More than once. I saw how this lie wrapped its tentacles around my thoughts, how it perverted Truth. And honestly, I thought that was the end. Now I know the lie and I must fight to disbelieve it.  Heh, have you ever tried to disbelieve something? It’s rather hard!  It reminds me of a parable of Jesus. “When an unclean spirit goes out of a man, he goes through dry places, seeking rest, and finds none. ⁴⁴ Then he says, ‘I will return to my house from which I came.’ And when he comes, he finds it empty, swept, and put in order. ⁴⁵ Then he goes and takes with him seven other spirits more wicked than himself, and they enter and dwell there; and the last state of that man is worse than the first.” (Matthew 12:43-45) I knew the lie, and that is a good start, but I didn’t know the truth. Not really. So finally, I began to ask God. “God I feel useless, but I know that’s a lie, could you please tell me the truth?” First day… nothing. Then I asked again, “God please replace my lies with your Truth; who do you say that I am?” And again… nothing. Then today, without even asking the question, God spoke. He spoke through a video posted to Facebook where a man named Joe told his story but I heard my own. It was one of doubt and fear and exhaustion, then he told me God’s answer to his story and in it I heard my own… “I made a covenant with you, for better or worse, in sickness and health, and I will take you into heaven one day. You are mine.”

 To say that I cried was an understatement. I was a sobbing, blubbering mess. I am his. He claimed me. And in the midst of my tears I started to laugh as I realized that has always been his answer to me. I say, “how many mess ups do I get before you walk away?” and he says, “If you’ve offended me, shouldn’t I get what I want? I want you.” I say, “what if I don’t make it? What if I let go before the end?” and he says, “By the way, I’ll see you in heaven.” He has promised to talk with me face to face, he has named me precious. He claims me over and over again as his own. He said it a thousand different ways through the prophets and apostles of old, but he is still willing to speak to broken, scared, souls and claim us. “My grace is sufficient, my power is made perfect in weakness.” Take that Satan. You may call me “useless,” but God has called me his own.

Useless

Useless

There has been a theme coming up over and over again this past week, and generally when that happens it’s time to sit up and take notice. This time it came in the form of a “little known fact,” and that fact is: Satan lies. Mind boggling right? He lies! He is a liar. He invented it. It’s his native language. All lies in the entire universe find their origin in him. And he doesn’t just lie once, or once in a blue moon. He does it EVERY DAY. Some of the lies he tells us are universal. Some are personal. But all are repeated and reinforced as time goes on. The really unnerving thing is that we don’t even recognize many of them. They sound like culture, or they sound like reason, or they sound… true. We wake up in the morning to find a pimple has bared its ugly head on our face and he leans in and whispers, “Gross! Look at that thing! It’s so ugly. You’re so ugly. You’re gross. You need to hide it! You need to hide.”

Some lies are smoke screens to hide bigger lies; some reinforce core lies; some are buried so deep beneath everything else we’d never even know they were there. And those are the truly dangerous ones. The ones that lay close to our core—the ones that were rooted long ago and have sat festering under everything else, robbing us of joy, peace, love, contentment, etc. It takes some digging to find those lies, but DIG WE MUST! If we want any sort of freedom in this life, we need to carve those lies out and expose them to the light to show what they truly are! Lies!

My own digging started because of a lesson I did at church with the Youth. We were talking about how God views us. (Priceless works of art, worth saving, with function and purpose—see Ephesians 2:10) And I realized that even though I said it, I didn’t believe it about myself. Red flag. So today I asked the question: Why? Why didn’t I believe that to be true? And what did I believe? (A really good question, because I find that I often don’t know right away!) What did I feel was true? (Oh I could go onto a side tangent about feelings here! How feelings are based out of perception and can be very authentic, but lie to us. They’re good because they work like the nervous system: they communicate that something is going on—but don’t always indicate what that is. Anyway, back to my original point…) I realized (after a lot of digging) that I felt unloved and lonely. Why? The God of the universe loved me. And he said he would never leave us. But I realized I didn’t believe that was true either. Red flag number two. What did I believe? I believed that I was a screw up… okay, but the world is full of those… so what? That I was constantly disappointing God, and sure he loved me, but what if that wasn’t enough? What if he didn’t like me very much? Why would he not like me? Because I’m lazy. Why do I think I’m lazy? Because I choose to not do more. I run to entertainment. I run from pain. I’m deathly afraid of it. So I bury myself in movies and fiction. Why? Because in those things are worlds where I can feel like I am who I wish I was: that I could change the world… that I could change me… that I could speak out and take action and be persuasive and love people—and make God proud of me… so he would like me, because I wouldn’t be useless.

Finally my shovel hit rock. This lie that has been buried for so long: I’m useless.

Suddenly things started falling into place. Why do I have this NEED to know everything? Because I’m fighting the fear, the lie, that I’m useless. Why wasn’t it okay to make mistakes? Because I’m fighting the lie that I’m useless. Why do I struggle to believe that I’m a priceless creation of God and that he has plans and purposes for my life? Because I believe I’m useless! SO many things in my life go back to this one lie that Satan has been solidifying in me for a long time now. Every time I mess up he leans in and whispers “useless.” Every time I fail, “useless.” So I begin to fear failure because, “you’re useless.” I struggle to feel loved because, “you’re useless.” I stop trying because, “you’re useless.”

Interestingly enough, I don’t feel worthless. That word doesn’t zap me. Maybe Satan tried that one and it didn’t take. I don’t know. All I know is when I discovered the word “useless.” I felt it to my core. BUT that is not God’s name for me. And now that I’ve discovered the lie, I can combat it. Like the old adage goes, “knowing is half the battle.”

Alright. Now that I’ve gone supernova in my vulnerability (allow me to wink at those of you who know Brene’ Brown and her thoughts on floodlight vulnerability,) let me state this: Please do not pity me. And don’t feel the need to tell me how useful I am. That is not the point of this. The point is to expose Satan for who he truly is: A liar. And to ask you what names/labels has he given you that keep you in chains? Because I’m not the only priceless piece of art around here. You are! And if you don’t believe that, why not? God says you’re his poime (Greek) his poem, created to do good works that he’s already prepared for you to do. Paul says it is for FREEDOM that Christ has set us free. Stand firm then and do not allow yourself to be burdened again by the yoke of slavery. So we need to ask the questions. We need to dig. We need to expose those lies and treat them as such. Because God wants to use you. He wants to work in and through you. He loves you with an everlasting love. You are valuable to him. Heavens, we’re about to celebrate this in a few months! Immanuel: God with us. What Jesus came down to do was for the whole world, and that includes you.

Having said all that, allow me to end this with a prayer of Paul’s that I find most apt: I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, may have the strength together with all the saints to grasp how high and long and deep and wide is the love of Christ and to know this love that surpasses all understanding that you may be filled to the measure of all fullness in God. And now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than we could ever ask or imagine according to his power that is at work within us. To him be glory in the Church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, forever and ever. May it be so (Amen.)

"Today"

God is constantly astounding me with his Grace. I’ve been talking with him for the past few weeks about this streak of lethargy I’ve seen in my life. I “know” that time shouldn’t be wasted, but I don’t really act on that knowledge. Result? I’ve wasted a lot of days here lately. Now I’m not saying that I need to do “more.” I am saying that I need to better manage the time I do have. Prioritize. “Work smarter, not harder” as the motto goes. Sadly, all I’ve done is talk to God about it and that is a far cry from doing anything about it. This morning as I worshiped I revisited this stale conversation, knowing full well that it would take a small miracle to actually kick my rear in gear. Little did I know, God was ready and waiting to talk back, because today’s sermon was all about not wasting our “Today.” And for the next half hour, God spoke back to me much of what I’ve been saying for the past month. Maybe that sounds odd to you, but for me it was golden. The God of the universe took the time to tell me what I needed to hear, even though I already knew it! It was like he was saying, “You know this. Now do it—because you can. You are completely capable.” Again, I realize it sounds crazy, but it was exactly what I needed. The ultimate pep talk. I don’t want to waste my todays because I don’t know how many of them I am going to have. I want to see and hear God (more than just occasionally.) I want learn to love and trust more deeply. I want to serve graciously. I want to live intentionally.

Scary Revelation

So "Love" has been a theme that keeps creeping up in my personal spiritual journey. What love is, how God loves, how we love (or don't.)

I hear the voice of culture saying, "don't be judgmental, be loving" which is a great thing--really! But for me it turns into, don't have an opinion about anything because you might offend someone. Or, have an opinion but keep it to yourself and don't contradict anyone. Is that love? Being tolerant?

I read a lot of teen fiction (mostly because they're concise and I can get through a book in one to two days.) And over the past year the overwhelming plot arch has been: Protagonist faces trial, finds love unexpected love interest, refuses to change at all for love interest and is loved in spite of flaws. Now I'm ALL for being loved in spite of flaws and being loved for who you are. But the more I read, the more I realize this love is very one sided. The protagonist receives all the grace and makes all the demands with the love support caving. Is this love?

At first my hypothesis was that in general love has been replaced with lust. But I have since had to amend this. More than lust, love has been replaced with worship. These characters aren't loved, they aren't necessarily lusting or lusted after (though to be sure there is surprisingly plenty of lust in teen fiction.) They are being worshiped. The lover worships the beloved and the beloved basks in it.

Compound this with a pervading comment I hear in spiritual circles: "If God is Love he would..." Confession time: I have secretly thought this before. "God if you love me why don't you ___________" or "God if you love me why is ______________ happening?" I realized today, if I put any other name in these sentences they would reek of manipulation. "Husband, if you love me why don't you ___________" "Boyfriend if you loved me you would _______________" "Child of mine if you loved me you wouldn't _________________" "Friend of mine, if you were really my friend you would/wouldn't ___________"

And that's when the revelation hit. The scary, horrid, revolting revelation: What I'm really saying to God is, "why aren't you worshiping me?! Why aren't you keeping your opinion to yourself and caving to all of my desires?" Even worse, than that I expect him to accept whatever love I might give him in return. I set the standards. HOW BACKWARDS IS THIS?! We were created (by a loving God who doesn't need us-- he didn't create us because he was lonely and wanted someone to live him--but humbled himself to come down and live among us and die to heal the rift we created)  we were created by that God to worship.

So I did the only thing I could. I fell before a holy, righteous, loving, just, creator God and sought forgiveness.

 Point of Grace expressed it perfectly:

The more I know your power, lord
The more I'm mindful
How casually we speak and sing your name
How often we have come to you
With no fear or wonder
And called upon you only for what we stand to gain

God forbid, that I find you so familiar
That I think of you as less than who you are
God forbid, that I should speak of you at all
Without a humble reverence in my heart
God forbid

Lord, I often talk about your love and mercy
How it seems to me your goodness has no end
It frightens me to think that I could take you for granted
Though you're closer than a brother
You're more than just a friend

God forbid, that I find you so familiar
That I think of you as less than who you are
God forbid, that I should speak of you at all
Without a humble reverence in my heart
God forbid
You are father, God almighty
Lord of lords, your king of kings
Beyond my understanding
No less than everything