Silence is golden...

"Finding myself at a loss for words, and the funny thing is, it's okay..." No truer words have been sung. Alright that's a bit hyperbolic but that's how I felt day 1 of my "Word" fast for lent. I had expected that there would be plenty of moments I wanted attention in some capacity and only recognized it because of my vow of silence. What surprised me was how much I wanted to explain myself! To be understood. How hard it was for me to relinquish other people's opinions of me. Even small things like, "Well you can't talk but you can text so it will be alright." Well no, written words are still words, but I can't explain that to you because I've given up words! Another surprising thing: How LOUD it is in my mind! Even on day 1 I found it extremely hard to turn the inner monologue off. To be quiet and just listen. No wonder I often find myself in the past or future rather than engaged with the present. This was definitely a hindsight enlightenment to why I even began this fast. This past fall I found God leading me back to the scripture in James about being quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to become angry. It got to the point where I would pray this over my life on a pretty regular basis. Then around December a seed was planted in my heart for the desire to do a word fast. This brings me back to lent. 

Well by day 5 I found myself in a constant battle to listen and not be drawn into my inner monologue. Seriously, it was like my brain had "shiny object" syndrome. You could say "cat" and I'd be gone for the next ten minutes thinking about my parent's cats and the Cheshire cat and the pros and cons of Dogs vs Cats, etc ad nausium. About this time I also began to realize a thread of critical thinking towards others but also towards myself. Take traffic for example. Someone would cut me off without even signaling with their blinker that they were headed in my direction and I would angrily rant about right-of-ways and politeness (as if they can hear me) then catch myself and begin to yell at myself for not being more forgiving and loving... something is wrong with this whole picture. 

Day 10 felt like the biggest milestone (even in I did have 30 more to go!) And I had found gentle ways of guiding my thoughts. I had decided that my drive to and from work would be times for me to exercise silence in my mind. So when thoughts would invade the stillness of the car I would gently correct, "Shhh... listen." Okay so it's a bit like talking to a child, but I figured it was better than "Shut up!" I also began to pay attention to colors. I never really appreciated color so much, but I would find myself in stunned silence looking at the green of the grass or the pink of the budding trees or that amazing red/orange of the sunset. But one of the biggest surprises was the discovery that God wasn't overly talkative when I was completely silent, and I finally realized that the times when I hear him the most is when I'm in dialogue with him. I'm an external processor and that's how God speaks to me. I can't tell you how many times I'll be talking (processing) and out of my mouth will come something that was never in my head. And I can't really put it into words, but there was this incredible connection between me and God in that revelation. He sees me, he knows me, he made me, he relates to me in my own terms... wow.  

Now I wish I could go on to tell you of a glorious victory and how much I am changed because of it, but the truth is, I knew going into this that there was a huge change of "failure" on my part. I had also told God that if I found myself getting overly angry or resentful towards him about a vow I made (and was not forced to make) that I would rather break the vow than blame him. I didn't last much beyond Day 10. Some of it had to do with the fact that I was beginning to have VERY vivid dreams that wore me out because all my unprocessed thoughts were cramming into them. Part of it was weakness of resolve. But I began talking socially again. Not all the time, but far more often than was needed. And while I admit that I failed, I also admit that I've forgiven myself. I'm proud of how far I made it, and maybe next year if I feel led, I'll make it even farther. I'm SO thankful for the things I learned and hope that this has given me tools to remain present in the moment, gently still my mind to listen, and think about others and myself with a more positive inner voice. Wow, that last sentence was rather long! And this blog is heading in the same direction. So before I become a complete hypocrite for saying "less is more" I'll end my words and focus on the present.