Change

 Recently I was reading about behavioral change and come across some rather interesting points. 

Many people have things they wish they could change. From appearance to temperament to knee jerk reactions, to world view etc. And so often the go-to solution is behavior modification. I will "make" myself change. Ironically enough, I think we all know that this doesn't really work. If anything, new years resolutions prove this. So how to people really change? Well, what I read was that rather than focusing on the the behavior, it is much more effective to focus on identity. This is also true in spiritual transformation. Growing as a Christian is less effective when we come at it with a rulebook of do's and don'ts. 

I have definitely found this to be true. I have few moments in my life where I remember making a defining decision about who I wanted to be, but one great example was in high school when I decided I wanted to love reading. I didn't at the time. I am dyslexic and reading was drudgery. But my best friend was a reader. (I'll come back to that point in a minute.) I wanted to be like her so much that my senior year I took an independent study in literature! I remember thinking: "I'm going to become the type of person who snuggles into a comfy chair with a blanket and a good book." See, it was a decision about identity. I didn't say, "I'm going to read 52 books a year" (behavior) or "I'm going to get a library card" (behavior) or "I'm going to buy a bookcase and fill it with books" (behavior). I focused on who I wanted to become. Today I probably do read around 52 books a year, and I have a library card, and I have a bookcase that is overflowing. But the behavior followed the identity. 

The second point I read was that you are the average of your five closest friends. That's why it's so important to choose your friends wisely. (Isn't this what we tell our kids?) And in the example I gave, it holds true. I became an avid reader in large part due to my friends. In fact, at the time, all my closest friends ended up in the top 10% of our graduating class and most of them loved literature.

So what about you? Is there something you wish to change in your life? Maybe you want to lose a few pounds. Let me challenge you--rather than focusing on the scale, start painting a picture of what it would look like to live a healthier life. Ex: "I want to be the type of person who gets up an hour early because I love to go running." or "I want to be the type of person who loves eating a good salad." Maybe you want to pray more. Instead of focusing on a strict schedule for yourself think identity. "I want to be the type of person who tells God everything about my life" or "who goes to God first rather than people" or "who is able to be completely honest with God about everything." What type of parent do you want to be? What type of friend? What type of disciple? Spender of Money?  Whatever the change, focus on the who you want to become rather than just behavior modification. Find people who are skilled in those areas and spend time with them. 

Oh, and be careful of emotions. Sure, take the time to discover what they are telling you, but they aren't good drivers. There are plenty of times you won't "feel" like making the change. 

And be careful of motivation. You might end up changing only to discover the change was for the worse. Look to God. He's a pretty good definer of healthy change. 

Finally, give yourself some grace. True change doesn't happen overnight. It is the small things over time. Like C.S. Lewis once said, "Each decision we make is moving us one step towards becoming a heavenly or hellish creature." So be intentional, but be patient. After all, Rome wasn't built in a day, right? ;)